You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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