Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
