i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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