Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
