I wannas sexs uuuuu
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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