Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
