Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
