Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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