I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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