We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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