She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
