I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
