its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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