you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
