Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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