I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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