What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
