And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
