this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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