If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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