Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
