Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
