i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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