I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
