Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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