How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
