mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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