going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
