My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She bit a glass in half.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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