Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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