remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
COCAINE IS GR8
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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