Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
