sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
