make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
