there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
