This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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