If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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