you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
