I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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