There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
