I faked an abortion last night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
