He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
