We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize