Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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