there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
