Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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