I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
