Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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