I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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