you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
