apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
did i just pee glitter
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
