Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
